Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize