She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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