I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You pole danced in your parka.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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