god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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