Fine. I'll sleep in my office
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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