It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
why is half of my head shaved?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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