I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
