Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I think your dad took our porno
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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