God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
