Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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