I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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