I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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