JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
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THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
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I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green