I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
