I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
