i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I think im going to throw up on grandma
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
