I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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