If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
