i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
