i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
