Don't make out with my wife yet
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
