My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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