I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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