Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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