I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
