oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
