my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
