All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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