While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Randomize
