the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
