just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
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Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
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WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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