My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
