I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
