But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
