I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
