I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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