My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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