Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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