I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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