Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
