Jerry, you need to find god
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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