Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
