Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
