I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
