I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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