I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
