I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
