I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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