I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
