just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
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You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
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No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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