Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
you never un-have a 4some
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
