I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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