I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I am one with the molecules
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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