I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
