i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
