one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
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