I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
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I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
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I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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