your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
