He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
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