I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
