I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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