Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
