He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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